#44 Negative

"And you see people scream at their kids, and beat them in Kroger, and you just want to die because you would give anything to have a child throwing a tantrum in the cereal aisle."

I'm sorry for the language in the post I linked below, but this encompasses exactly how Joshua and I feel. August will mark five years of trying for us. We have never felt the tragedy of a miscarriage, but that doesn't make it any less heart-breaking. We've had multiple failed procedures with the fertility clinic, and I've been through more medicine induced hormonal roller coasters than I care to admit. We even had one doctor ask us if we were actually actively trying to get pregnant. My response, you ask? "Well Doc, if practice makes permanent, we will be permanently stuck together in a month." Sure, I can find sarcasm and humor in just about any situation, but that doesn't mean my head and heart are in the right place regarding the situation.

Five years of negative tests begin to weigh very heavy on the heart when the doctors act like there isn't much hope. I've never been able to shake the numbers in this, but we have had 44 negative test results. Some days I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of taking another test or to cry because who really knows which to do when you are only a day away from the Loony Bin? On a side note, it was negative today... Again.

It's times like today when I get very angry. I see friends and family having babies or adopting little ones, and my heart breaks again and again. Today alone, I have seen posts about pregnancy numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4, plus two separate adoptions to be finalized this week. Things like #answeredprayers #thisisadoption #momofboys and #daddysprincess make me violently angry. I'm not really an angry person, but lots of things upset me now.

Add three failed adoptions, two teenagers through foster care and one infant through private adoption, and we don't have much hope of our own left.

It's a good thing that our hope and faith come from God and not ourselves, otherwise, we would have given up four years ago.

If you have struggled or are currently struggling with infertility, you are in my prayers. I understand when you hide in shame because either 1 - why can't you get pregnant, 2 - you watch some couples working on baby #4 and you have been trying longer than they have been married, or 3 - you don't want to shout your anger at those who get pregnant and don't want their baby and abuse/neglect him or her. Believe me, I understand. Those things are exactly me. It is so hard to do things like babysit, go to baby showers, even scroll through Facebook, because every day is baby season. I see babies at the grocery store, when I go pay bills, when I walk at the park, at church...

So, we try, and we wait. We pray that the Father's Will be done in our lives. We read Scripture over our home and every day of our lives, and we engage in Spiritual Warfare, because the Devil creeps into our hearts and minds quickly when we are broken.

So, please, stop asking us when we are going to have a baby - your guess is better than ours, and we're tired of losing at the guessing game. Instead, pray for us. Pray that we would honor the Lord in all we do, and that our lives would bring the Kingdom of God to earth. Pray that we would be ready to say yes without fear of hurt the next time an adoption becomes possible, because right now, I don't know if I could. 

Brutal Honesty About The Battle Against Infertility

Red Phase - Complete

Red Phase - PASS ✅ 
White Phase - BEGUN
Blue Phase - COMING SOON

If you would like to write to him, here is his address:

SPC, TRIPP, JOSHUA

ALPHA CO., 3RD PLT. CHAOS

1-61 BN IN REG, 165 IN BDE

11901 GOLDEN ARROW RD.

FT. JACKSON, SC. 29207

Joshua passed Red Phase of Basic Combat Training! Here is what he has done so far!

PHASE 1: RED PHASE
(Weeks 1–3)

"Shakedown" - When you get off the bus from Reception Battalion, you'll be told to line up your bag in a certain way to see if you can follow instructions. Then you'll be ordered to empty your bag. If anything contraband falls out, this will be your first opportunity to see a drill sergeant go ballistic.

Training - The goal of your Phase 1 training is to begin your transformation from a confused volunteer to a confident Soldier. During Red Phase (or "Patriot" Phase), you'll learn the fundamentals of soldiering, including Army heritage and the Seven Core Army values. Most of your classroom training will occur during this time. You'll also undergo the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT) to assess your physical abilities. You'll have several of these tests along the way to be sure you're getting in the best possible shape.

During these first three weeks, you'll get a thorough introduction to the following:

• The Army's Core Values, traditions and ethics
• Assembling, disassembling and caring for your M16
• The Nuclear-Biological-Chemical (NBC) chamber
• Security and crowd dispersion discipline
• Combatives: hand-to-hand combat and guerrilla exercises
• Barracks inspections
• Running, tactical daylight marches and fitness training

Obviously, this is an intense training schedule, geared toward reinforcing the principles of discipline and teamwork. From here, you'll look forward to moving toward the rifle range to learn some exciting—and very useful—skills.

As you can see, he has jumped in head first and is starting to learn how to swim. He has overheard lots of encouragement from the rest of his platoon and even from his drill sergeants. That is just so amazing that he is FINALLY being seen for the qualities that others have refused to see in him for years. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am. I have always said I got the best man out there, so here is your proof. Here are some of the pictures I have received so far.

48 Hours of Faithfulness

So, it's been six months since we stopped fostering, and my heart has been heavy for children still in need. It's also been 10 days since I put Joshua on a plane headed to Ft. Jackson, South Carolina for Basic Combat Training with the Army National Guard.

The last week and a half have been anything but easy, but God is FAITHFUL. And, on Tuesday, He showed that even more than I had ever seen before.

A baby.

Not yet born.

Gender unknown.

Future uncertain.

Due in only 8 weeks.

And I received a text that the birth mother wanted to meet with me about adopting this little one.

Like I mentioned before, I just sent Joshua off to BCT last week, and communication with him is non-existent at the moment. I am still learning how to function on my own, which I have never really done before. I'm sort of getting the hang of it, but the bad days outweigh the good right now. It will get better in time, I'm sure.

Now, back to that text.

It threw me into a complete panic. I already have so much on my plate, that I wasn't sure what to do. I called everyone I could think of to try to talk me out of saying yes. Looking back on it, though, I always knew I needed to say yes. Half of my wanting to say no was selfish and prideful, and the other half was not wanting people to look at me wrong. I was so concerned about what others would say that I didn't want to hear a word of what God had to say. I was so concerned about not wanting to be a burden, that I lost sight of the purpose of unity within the body of believers. I disregarded the joy others would receive by serving - I was robbing their potential for joy. I wanted to do it all myself - my pride got the best of me.

Through this, God kept saying one thing, "I am FAITHFUL!" And, honestly, I didn't want that. I didn't want Him to prove Himself through me. In some ways, I wanted to wallow in my own party of self pity and come up with a lame reason why I couldn't and blame the world. Doesn't that just sound crazy?

Instead, everyone I know and love surrounded me with love and support - offering babysitting throughout my crazy work schedule, even for overnight - WITH A NEWBORN! Even Joshua, who is halfway across the country running around in camo, said yes immediately and without reserve.

I could no longer come up with anymore excuses. God was proving His FAITHFULness, even when I didn't care to see it. Man, did I feel like slime when I realized that.

So, I said yes.

I called an attorney, and I set up an appointment. I priced necessary items - completely oblivious to the fact that there is such an amazing support system around me that I wouldn't have to buy anything. I planned a schedule for childcare around my work schedule. I jumped all in. And I was completely at peace.

My prayer at that point was that if God wanted us to go through with this that He would keep that door wide open, and if He didn't, that He would slam that door shut tight and do it quickly. I was content with either result.

Thursday night He shut the door. The birth dad pulled his consent to adopt, and that was that. Once again, I was completely at peace. God is FAITHFUL.

I think he just wanted me to be FAITHFUL and say yes, to trust that He would provide. So, I did. I don't think it was necessarily about completing what He originally asked me to do, but, instead, it was about being willing to do whatever He asked of me. Kind of like when God told Abraham to offer Isaac as sacrifice in Genesis 22. God provided the ram, the end result that fulfilled His plan. It just took a willing heart to be brought to completion.

In part, I also think it was to show me that I am not alone in all of this. God is FAITHFUL, and I am blessed beyond words. All I have to do when God asks is to say yes.

This Is Where The Healing Begins... A New Beginning.

FAILED ADOPTION

Those words haunt anyone who has ever considered adopting, and they crush those who have experienced it.

I am crushed.

I am embarrassed.

I am angry.

Four months ago, our planned adoption through foster care failed, and our family is now more broken than ever before. We are also closer and stronger than ever before.

Our failed adoption was filled with betrayal and deceit. The boy we loved, and still do love, made false accusations against our family. These accusations were entirely false, but he was permanently removed from our home because of them. After months of no information, then weeks of a state police investigation, it was all ruled unfounded and false. 

The relief we felt there was short lived, however. A few weeks later, we received word from a previous DHS employee regarding the whole ordeal, who told us that DHS had closed our home. This was without informing us or returning any of our communications, simply because they didn't want to deal with us any more. That previous employee went on to say that they were telling other people about it who were not involved with our case and who had no business having any of that information. Betrayed is only the beginning of how we feel, but God has other plans.

Fast forward to today.

As many of you already know, my amazing husband has felt God calling him to bigger things for quite some time, now. Two years ago, He laid the military on our hearts. At that time, there was no peace about timing, but God always puts something on your heart for a reason. This last year, Joshua joined me in my love for Jiu Jitsu, and it has changed his outlook on life. It has strengthened and humbled him, challenged him to be an even better leader in our home. I am a very blessed woman. 

On December 22, 2015, Joshua made an oath to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that he will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that he will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over him, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. 

I never dreamed of being a military wife, but there is no way that I could hold any more respect and pride for my husband. He has a servant's heart that takes my breath away every day. I am cherished and spoiled by a man who loves me and fights for our marriage every single day. Our marriage has not been easy or perfect - the complete opposite to be completely honest, but God has provided every step of the way.

In four weeks, Joshua will leave for Basic Combat Training (BCT) then move directly to Advanced Individual Training (AIT) after graduation. He will be gone for 7 months. We have never been apart for such a length of time. I have to admit that I am scared. Not for him - I know this is exactly where he is supposed to be. Instead, I am deathly afraid of failing while he is gone. I depend on Joshua so much for everything. 

So, if you would, please pray for all of us. Just because we know this is God's Will, does not make it easy on our human hearts. I am a greedy and jealous woman - I want my husband with me at all times. I don't sleep well when he is away, even for just one night. If it were just me, I would not be able to handle this, but I'm not alone. God's got this. His Word commands us to not be afraid 365 times - that's once a day. I need that daily reminder that I am not alone.

While Joshua is gone, I will be leading our youth group. Pray for wisdom to teach with depth and grace. Pray for peace and hearts void of worry. Pray blessings over our students, that their faith would blossom, that they would be nourished and replenished in their walks with the Lord, that they would be supported and pruned by the Body of Christ surrounding them.

Just A Thought...

With the little bit of time we have been doing Foster Care, Jesus has been teaching me one lesson over and over again:

Never miss an opportunity to show love, grace, or mercy. Our intention as believers should always be reconciliation, regardless of the other party's intentions. We are not responsible for another's thoughts, actions, reactions, or intentions, but the Father will hold us accountable for ours and for our unwillingness to extend the same undeserving mercy and grace we were extended from the cross.

After 9 Months of Waiting

Let me start out with apologizing for how horrible I am about keeping this silly thing updated. Actually, I'm not that sorry... Maybe not even sorry at all. I have been busy enjoying life instead of writing about it.

There has been a lot happen in our family in the last year, so let me start from the beginning, and even back to before...

Three months after Joshua and I got married, we decided to begin our journey for a family. We had no idea how long it would take us to get pregnant, and, at that point, we were not concerned.

Skip forward two years later, to some really disheartening doctors' and specialists' appointments. We had a decision to make - either spend every penny we had on fertility treatments, or open our hearts for the unplanned better. We did not have our own place at the time, so our dreams of being parents were put on the back burners. We pursued careers, gained and lost jobs, finished college, and learned a lot about ourselves and each other.

The greatest test, though, was how it impacted our faith. We began to praise God in the little things. We held great levels of joy for simply getting time together - we didn't have to spend money to be happy. We gained some debt and paid off some debt, slowly working toward where we are today.

In the midst of all of that, I became a Law Enforcement Dispatcher at the local Police Department. Let me tell you, I have enough stories to write an entire series. Donkeys fleeing on hoof, pepper sprayed and taser fried chicken, the cooking sherry man, hay bales on fire, saving lives, and the occasional Dr Pepper Icee at 3:00 am were just a few things that were experienced. Joshua also began working, while finishing his Bachelors. He won and lost jobs trying to figure out where he belonged. That was a very hard time for him, but he remained firm in his faith.

We were also burned by a church during this time. To make a long story short, the pastor began acting odd and suspicious. We even thought we smelled marijuana on him one Sunday morning. When we started to investigate and confront him, he accused us of acting wrongfully toward the children, ostracized us, and banned us from the church property. Come to find out, the pastor was a pedophile preying on the boys in the youth group. It took us several months to heal from this, and in a way, we are still healing.

Last spring, I began looking for a new job. I had been with the police department for almost two years, and I was going no where. My fire to charge up the ladder was starting to die down, and I just wasn't happy. I spent the next 8 months getting my foot in the door at FedEx Freight, where I have now been for almost a year. I love my new job, and I love working with people who are challenging me to climb the corporate ladder. I finally feel like I can reach my potential.

During the last year, we also made friends, something we hadn't been doing a good job of. Brandi and Dustin are huge blessings in our lives. Some days I don't know what we would do without them. Their children are precious, and spending time with them stoked our fire for children once again.

Now we are getting to the best part, but we needed everything before to get where we are now.

Last August, after a year of praying, my new job at FedEx, and the journey of beginning to buy our first home, we finally took the plunge and began our journey into Foster Care. After a thousand background checks and two long weekends of training in November, it finally began to sink in. We also bought our first house in November! Such a huge thing for us! Here is a picture of it!

The week we moved into our house, DHS did our first walk through.There were boxes everywhere! It did not look like a home at all. That day, we were also told about two boys. Two boys who had been in foster care for longer than half their lives. That day we were given two pieces of information: their names and that they needed a family. That was more than enough. From that very moment, we have been at peace concerning making them part of our family. B and Q are absolutely amazing. They have gone through so much, yet they still love deeply and are able to forgive me when I make mistakes. B has now been in our home for almost 6 weeks, and he is transitioning very well. Getting Q, on the other hand, has proven to be super difficult. We fight for him every single day. Please pray with us that he will be able to come home as planned on July 1st.

We have also taken in others ranging from 6-14 years old. Our house is full... Full of love, chaos, heavy emotions, and blanketed in grace and mercy. One of these days I will be able to share pictures of all that is going on and the sweet smiles that fill my days. Pictures of mud fights in the horse pasture, family game nights, crawdadin' at the creek near the house, riding in the local play days, building the youth worship band at church, and everything else in between.

We are extremely blessed!

Crochet Musings Of An Avid Knitter

With the snow and ice beating on my door, I have decided to try the unthinkable. I have picked up a crochet hook! Gasp! I know! My poor bamboo needles feel abandoned and trashed. How could I have committed such an atrocity? Let me explain. I believe I can do it in one word: flowers. There I said it. Those darn little things to embellish other works. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to get them right when I knit. Darn you frilly little boogers! I can do so many things with my beloved knitting needles, yet I cannot create a single, blasted petal. To you knitters out there capable of making the dazzling daisies and the rich roses on your beloved and pointed pair, please share your secrets! This knitter wants to know. For those who crochet, please do not laugh at my picture, though it is possibly quite humorous. To learn the daunting task of those pretty flowers, I have dabbled in the dance of the crochet hook, and this is my end result. I know I have done some things wrong and some things right, but at this point, I am not sure if the right side is really right or the wrong side is really wrong. Or does that even apply the the crochet world? This knitter may never know...